Last Night's Struggle

Yesterday morning we went on our weekly hike. The trail we covered this time was 4.8 miles. This week felt much easier than the first two weeks. Not sure why except that I'm getting use to them. Soon we will have to bump the distance up. We can see some trails that will take us on a much longer and more difficult route and are looking forward to when we can attempt those. Those trails will require us to pack some food and commit a larger portion of the day. But it is something we are all looking forward to. In the meantime, we went to breakfast afterwards and I was better this time. I only had an omelet with meat and cheese in it. I did have my diet soda, first one since last week's breakfast. So I have been good.

I do have to say, I had a really rough time last night internally. I had to struggle with some emotions regarding food and being good. For anyone that doesn't know, ice cream is one of the top three favorite foods in the world to me.......and more to the point, chocolate chip cookie dough. I love to have some in the evening while watching tv. That's just how it is. But of course, I have not been doing that. Now, when you live with other people, you can't expect them to give up what you yourself can't have. That's not fair. So when he mentioned before about there being ice cream in the house, I was okay. Last night I actually spotted the ice cream in the freezer and realized it was.......of all flavors......chocolate chip cookie dough. AHHHH!!!! So later he mentioned he might have some and I could feel the emotional struggle inside. No, I knew I wasn't going to have any, but dang it! Well, as I worked myself out of the feelings, he never got any. Okay, I survived the moment. A little later in the evening, still feeling a bit deprived of my ice cream, I decided to see if I could find something sensible to nibble on. Well, I decide I would slice up a hotdog very thin and fry the pieces to give me bites of something to nibble on. I should have just not done anything, because that went back to the idea of eating in front of the tv, something I need to learn not to do. Anyway, I started to slice up my hotdog when what happens? He comes in to get ice cream. He's standing RIGHT BESIDE ME. I see the box. I read the words "chocolate chip cookie dough". I hear the rriiiiiippp of the strip being pulled off the box to open it. (Sweet music!) My inner soul is churning! Then he tells me how he always has a hard time getting those boxes open. So, I reach over and grab the box and open it for him (a skill I know all too well). He grabs a spoon and walks away eating MY FAVORITE ice cream out of the box. I stand there trying to get my composure back and I just wasn't strong enough. I walked away to the bathroom and ended up getting in the shower. (The shower has always been my safe place to go when I know tears are coming.) It was awful. All I could think was the unfairness of it all. Some people smoke, drink, eat all they want without gaining, and much worse. I have never smoked, never touched any kind of drugs, could easily live my life without another drop of alcohol in it, but my vice is enjoying the wrong foods. So why is it other people can do ALL of the above without issue while I can't even enjoy the foods I want. It is just so unfair. So as I release all these emotions into tears while in the shower, I start to try to think my way out of it. First, I can't be mad at him because he wants to enjoy ice cream (but did it have to be THAT flavor?) Second, I'm only 2 and a half weeks into this. I have to remember my goals and remember what it is I have to learn while getting there. Intuitive eating......that's how it was put to us in our biggest loser class last week. She tells us no food is off limits if we learn to eat intuitively. We learn to eat when we are physically hungry, not emotionally hungry. Everything about last night was emotional hunger. I was physically satisfied with my dinner and not hungry. And once I get where I want to be with my weight, I can learn again how to enjoy those special treats as special treats. A rare offering in a much smaller scale, granted. And I know that will be the tough part. That is why I don't allow myself "just a little" of those things right now. A little would not be enough. I would want more, and I'm not ready to handle that yet. And in the meantime, he can have all the ice cream of whatever flavor he wants, because this is not about him. This is about what I am doing for ME! No one else. And as much as I would like to temptation-proof my home environment, that's just not possible when there are other people in the picture. Our biggest loser leader talks a lot about how our environments (home, work, places we go) tend to take control of us, but we have to get that control back. If we can't change our environment or not go where the temptations are, then we have to learn to overcome then so that WE are in charge, not the environment. Just late at night after being good all day, I guess my defenses are a bit down and it's a little more difficult for me. But....I won last night. I didn't have any ice cream. And when I got out of the shower, I went into the kitchen and put the hotdog slices I had prepared in the fridge. I didn't need those either. I came back into the living room getting my mind where it needed to be. It was a tough struggle, but I did it. One of many, many struggles yet to come, I know.

And today is Superbowl.....and we are headed off to my son's in-laws. There will be SO MUCH food (Mexican families always have tons of food when guests are coming.) This will be a tough day, to say the least. I have decided that I will not refuse everything in front of me. Today I may (actually most likely) stray some. But my plan is to scope it all out, decide if there is something that I know I will give in to, and then plan to have some when I feel the physical need, not the emotional need, to eat. Tiny amounts. And staying as close to no carbs as possible. (Not sure that is possible with mexican food...lol). Anyway, I will not beat myself up while in the presence of all these people, but I have promised myself that I WILL be in control. I WILL think before I eat. I WILL not have to come home feeling guilty.

Good luck to everyone else facing this struggle today........AND GO STEELERS!